Finding my dream.

Some days things come at you in a way you would never expect.  Today it was a combination of watching the Super Bowl followed by The Voice.  These two television shows may seem like they are on opposite spectrums but the truth is I found there to be a very strong link between the two.  A dream and a dream fulfilled.

The Giants and the Patriots each had a dream going into today- win the Super Bowl.  Get the W. Become the Champions.  However, this wasn't a dream that could be fulfilled in one day.  It was  the result of practice, determination, failures, victories and most imortantly the vision of a dream that began a long time ago, probably in childhood. The day they signed on as a professional with a team was a victory.  Each win leading up to the playoffs was a victory.  Each individual on each team claimed a victory in making it to the Superbowl.  But today the possibility of fulfilling that lifelong dream of winning a Super Bowl Championship became reality for one team.  Congratulations to The Giants.

As I watched the aftershow for the Super Bowl, I listened to the players give tribute to their coaches and the people that helped them get to where they are. The victorious team fulfilled their dream and I couldn't help but share in their joy, despite the fact that I had nothing to do with their win. Big alligator tears whelled up in my eyes, I pictured these players as children. I envisioned them training and working hard to build themselves up to a place worthy of professional status. I knew they had each faced defeat but given their performance today, they had all come back to a place of success. Whether by sheer talent or sheer determination, these players earned this victory and this fulfillment of their dream.

Then I switch gears to The Voice, a program that showcases vocal talent that is a step above the rest.  It's not American Idol- these contestants have earned their way to this stage thanks to practice, determination, failures, victories and again, much like the professional football players, a dream that was born a very long time ago.  Some competing on The Voice have already performed with Grammy winning artists.  One contestant was a backup singer for Alicia Keys. Another was a child star in The Mickey Mouse Club cast with Christina Aguilera.  Much like the dream of securing a Super Bowl win, these contestants also have a dream.  Their dream is to be the best at what they do and to make a career out of their vocal talents. 

I had the same teary-eyed reaction as I watched The Voice.  Listening to one particular contestant sing opera spoke to a place in my heart that I'm not sure I've felt stirred in quite some time.  As he sang the opera, I found such beauty in not only his voice, but in his pursuit of his dream.  He explained to the judges that his experience of putting himself into a box of what he thought others would view as talent had not gotten him where he wanted.  For this audition, he would do what inspired him most, sing opera.  Our pop culture today would probably opt for a pop or country music star, but this voice chose to go his own way and it paid off.

So what does all of this mean? Yes, people have dreams. They work hard to achieve those dreams and with a little bit of talent and a lot of faith, many go on to fulfill their dreams.  After watching the SuperBowl and The Voice, I retreated to my bedroom and suddenly I felt tears once again.  But this time, it wasn't out of joy for the football players, or from the beauty that I heard in the opera song, they were tears of deep sadness.  The truth is, I realized something.  I can't answer to you what my dream is because it seems I just don't know right now. 

I used to dream of singing on a big stage.  Well, my junior and senior high youth performances would have to count as fulfillment of that dream.  Anything beyond that was cut short when I developed voice nodules.  I no longer had the voice I used to.  I could look at it as a broken dream, but I prefer to look at it as God leading me in another direction.  Shortly after high school I went on a search for my faith and it ended when Jesus Christ saved me.  This dream was one I didn't realize I had, but am thankful for with every breath I take.

After becoming a follower of Christ I returned to school and completed my college degree with Honors- definitely a dream fulfilled.  I got married and took on the role of wife. Another dream come true.  And finally, in a few short months, I will fulfill one of my biggest dreams of becoming a mother. 

But why the tears of sadness?  I am not completely sure. 

Professionally, I love being a photographer, but really at this point I don't see myself hitting it big in that arena.  Don't get me wrong, I do it for the people and the joy that comes from giving them beautiful portraits.  I love capturing the emotion and beauty of the human soul in a photograph.  It truly is a passion of mine. I'd like to think I've been blessed with a talent in photography and I'll continue to work at becoming better.  But at the end of the day, it's not my dream. 

Right now the only thing that comes to mind is dreaming of being a better person.  For starters, being a better wife.  I want to be as supportive and encouraging as I can be.  I want to stay positive and act in a way that shows the highest level of respect for my husand.  I want to have a marriage that is passionate and filled with romance like the early days when we first met.  I often feel like I fall short in the role of wife.  I don't want sympathy because I know I do a lot of things in the role of wife quite well.  But I know I could do better.  A lot better. 

I also dream of being the best mom I can be.  I know I will fail many many times, but I pray that God will equip me with the tools I need to succeed as a first time mom.  I pray for my baby girl.  I pray that one day she would look up at me with her big brown eyes and say, "Mom, I love you and who you are."

Beyond improving myself as wife and learning how to become the best mom I can be, I have no dreams.  That is where the deep sadness comes in.  I think in some ways I have lost myself in the role of wife and soon-to-be-mom.  I have lost the passion in life that used to make my heart sing.  I find joy in every day, but there is something missing.  What that something is, I need to find.

I will spend this week praying for my dreams, the ones I have yet to discover.  I will seek God and His plan for my life.  I want to stir the place in me that was stirred while listening to the opera singer.  I want to wake up each day with a dream in mind.  Something that makes my time on this earth more than just an existance. During this time of seeking, I will praise God for my many blessings.

Here's to finding my future dream, whatever that may be.